Dear Daphne:
More than 3,000 miles separate you and me. Yet, I feel closer to you today than I did in 1990, when we were living in the same home in Chestnut Hill, MA. All the therapy sessions in the world can’t alleviate the strain adolescence puts on the mother-daughter relationship. You were not by any means blessed with the perfect Mom.
Your teen years pained me no end, because I feared that my only child and I might end up having the distant relationship that I have with my own mother. My mother didn’t drink alcohol to excess, take drugs, or do anything that would rise to the level of social workers arriving at our home. But once I went off to college, I knew that she and I would have limited contact.
It was my grandmother who consoled me when I was sad, and provided me with wise counsel re: life at college, getting good grades, and finding the right mate. My substitute mother, Grandma Anna also enjoyed being the wedge that made me love her a lot more than I loved the woman my siblings and I called “Mommy.”
During the years I raised you, it often occurred to me that having family close by would have helped a lot. On the other hand, I still have the loving friends without whom I would have been lost I when you were growing up. These are the friends who inquire constantly about the wellbeing of your daughter Lucy and your son Jack.
When you gave birth to Jack in June of 2011, I hoped it would be an opportunity for you and me to become close. I vowed that unlike my own mother, I would offer to help with mundane chores like laundry, and that in the process, you and I could talk about both the joys and stresses of becoming a new mom. I also bonded with my grandson.
At 14 months, Lucy is quite the charmer, and seems to be adapting beautifully to her new home in the Silicon Valley. She loves walking around in her hot pink, patent leather Mary Janes. You said you bought them for her in a cute little children’s store in Los Gatos, and that made me think of the beautiful things I’d buy you at Callipe, a now defunct shop in Harvard Square.
By the way, when I see you in a few weeks, I will have a little pink corduroy dress with matching tights for Lucy that I ordered from Boden. I like buying outfits for Jack, but frankly, there’s nothing to compare with the pleasure of shopping for a little girl, and besides, he prefers toys.
Oh, how it warms my heart to see pics of you and her taking mother daughter outings while Jack is at pre-school. With you in California, and me here in Brookline, MA, I live for the pics of Jack and Lucy on Facebook. Especially the one taken by their daddy that shows big smiles on both their faces as they go down the slide together.
Unlike my mother or grandmother, you and Etan know how to foster a loving relationship between your children, even under challenging circumstances.You amaze me with your ability to manage two kids, even with one tugging on your right pants leg, and the other tugging on your left.
With an abundance of love, you both care about forging deep bonds with both your children. As do I. Yet at the risk of sounding sexist, I can’t help focusing on the uniqueness of the mother-daughter relationship. It goes way beyond shopping together, providing counsel when asked, and helping with childcare. It means helping you to be a nurturing mom, while always respecting boundaries and the relationship you and Etan have with your kids.
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