8 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Do a Vacation Home Exchange

It’s August, summer has finally come to New England, and much of the world is on vacation. Based on what I’ve been reading in the papers, a lot of people are saving money not by going to a Motel 6 or camping in tents, but by exchanging their homes with other vacationers.

Here are 8 reasons why I wouldn’t do a home exchange:

(1) My son-in-law Etan says it’s not for me. Yes, last summer his brother and sister-in-law had a good experience swapping their townhouse in Wilmington, Delaware for an apartment in Paris. But Etan was probably thinking about the time I felt grains of sand under my feet as I walked along the hardwood floors of my condo – only to remark “Doesn’t anybody shake the sand off their feet before leaving the beach?”

(2) Whenever I so much as hint to my husband Dennis that we could save money by renting a vacation condo instead of going to a hotel, he gets testy, offering his stock comment: “I’m not setting up housekeeping.” Dennis makes our bed religiously each morning, always arranging the pillows covered with white eyelet, decorative shams, and the Lily Pulitzer bolster as if expecting a visit from House Beautiful. In his mind, going on vacation gives him a respite from this task, not to mention emptying the dishwasher.

(3) Dennis and I once did a one-sided home exchange – with friends of his who insisted that we use their second home in Scottsdale. Knowing the friends were safely ensconced in the Washington area, we made every effort to be model “guests,” laundering the sheets before heading to the airport. But it didn’t feel like a vacation because I denied myself the joy of being a slob. Only a hotel stay allows for the luxury of tossing wet towels on the floor, secure in the knowledge that housekeeping will replenish them with dry ones.

(4) “In tens of thousands of exchanges, we've never had a report of a theft, malicious vandalism, or a case of someone getting to their exchange home and finding a vacant lot,” says Home Exchange® on its web site. I like the phrase “malicious vandalism” because it obviously doesn’t cover the act of a stranger brushing the back of his freshly polished shoe against one of my goldenrod, ultra-suede barrel chairs and leaving a dark mark I may or may not be able to remove, using quick dabs with a white facecloth dampened with a solution of water and Ivory Snow.

(5) For the record, Dennis and I eat meals out when we’re on vacation. As for the imaginary family living in our condo, I’d probably anticipate them leaving me one or more of the following mementos: Droplets of maple syrup stubbornly adhering to a shelf of my refrigerator door, particles connecting grapes to woody stems on the floor of my kitchen, or heaven forbid, something that would feel sticky underfoot.

(6) Articles about home exchange frequently advise putting breakables into storage. Frankly I find it a major effort packing and unpacking the clothing, sport gear, makeup and special hair products I want on a vacation. Dennis went to a lot of trouble to find that big blue and lime green Waterford vase that complements the lime green, Venetian glass lighting fixture hanging over our dining room table, and it would be a royal pain to have to pack the thing. Not to mention having to box up the oversized Waterford bowl and vase Dennis found for the glass coffee table.

(7) Dennis recently observed that I had more than a dozen bottles of Arm & Hammer Daily Shower Cleaner stored in the laundry room, and gently suggested that I not purchase any more for at least a month or two. If you asked him, he might say that I have a fetish about not allowing mold to build up on the tile of my walk-in shower and his shower with tub. Need I say more about strangers showering and not remembering to do the right thing?

(8) The Home Exchange® web site, intending to be comforting, compares exchanging one’s home to online dating. Does this mean that prospects shave years off the age of their homes, exaggerate proximity to public transportation, or neglect to tell you that their apartment – which looks great in the online pics – is on the first or second floor, adjacent to a bar attracting loud revelers?